


cracking under pressure

by fleurami



Category: Future Card Buddyfight
Genre: Character Study, M/M, kanata has Anxiety, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-21 17:41:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14919944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fleurami/pseuds/fleurami
Summary: sometimes, things become too much.kanata tries to just push through everything, putting pressure on himself and forcing his way through the day keeping a mask up, but sometimes he needs to break down, and gaitos there for him when he does.





	cracking under pressure

            Another day of classes end, and I dump my supplies into my backpack as the bell shrieks in my ear. I’m immediately swarmed by people, several asking me about soccer practice later, a couple of them asking me what I was doing this weekend, and one of them asking me about tutoring. I sigh, my head still hidden nearly fully by my backpack.

            Force the smile, I have to look  _ friendly,  _ no matter how exhausted I feel.

            I lift my head up, responding to everyone as animatedly as I can possibly muster.

            But, wow, am I drained, I can barely mask it, I’m gonna break, they’re gonna all see, and everyone’s going to be disappointed in me-

            I catch a glimpse of Gaito, he’s standing by the door, eyes trained on me. I want to reach out to him, grab him and pull him close. When he’s close, I can feel the anxieties melt away, dripping down until the mask is gone and all that’s left is purely myself.

            The wall of people stand between us, and I shoot him an apologetic look. I hope he understands, I don’t think my heart could take anything more right now.

            “Kanata! The time, it’s only like, five minutes ‘till practice starts!” 

            The panic immediately sets in.

            “Oh! Sorry guys, I have to go! I promise, I’ll talk later!” The words are tumbling out my mouth as I’m grabbing my bag, slinging it over my shoulder, and walking to the door. I feel my palms sweat, my heart rate rise, my breaths quicken.  _ I can’t be late, but I can’t disappoint people… _

            I make it through the doorway, only to realize I never passed Gaito on the way out.

_             He… Probably saw what was going on and started walking home… I hope he’s not mad at me for not saying hi to him… _

            Panic rips at my heart again as I pull my phone out.

            “Two minutes? I-” My feet start slamming against the ground and I hurled myself towards the field.

_             Did I leave any papers in my desk? _

            No, focus on making it to practice on time-

_             Did I even answer the kid about tutoring? What if he really needs my help? _

            You have one minute.

            My breaths are short and my heart is literally trying to force itself out of my chest but, I made it.

            “Wow, Kanata, that was a close call.”

            “Everyone, go change! We’ll be practicing hard today for the match coming up next week, so be ready. Kanata!” My body straightens immediately. “Can you come here?”

            I jog over to my coach and she sets a hand on my shoulder. 

            Though well-meaning, I don’t feel the comfort that the gesture was meant to give, only fear and anxiety welling up in my chest, is this it? Am I off the team? Was she disappointed in practice yesterday?

            “The next game is important, and you’re a really big part of the team. I’m looking forward to your performance next week!” She smiles at me and gives me a thumbs up. 

            The words she spoke, meant to be encouraging, only feel threatening to me. 

_             If I don’t do perfect, I’ll fail her. I’ll be a failure to the whole team. _

            I violently shove the thoughts to the back of my mind and force my lips into a smile. She has to see that I can handle it, or she’ll never trust me again. 

            I’m dismissed to the locker rooms, where I change without feeling anything. My body is drained of all energy, and practice hasn’t even started-

_             Oh my god, did I leave my notes in my desk? Did I even take notes? He said it was going to be on the final test in a couple weeks… _

            “-Nata, hey, you there?” I snap out of it to see my teammates hand waving in front of my eyes. “You were really spacin’ out for a second there, you good?”

_             Am _ I good?

            I nod at him, and go through the motions of getting ready for practice. 

            Being out on the field is a nightmare.

            Every eye is on me, judging me, watching my moves, waiting for me to trip up. I’m going to make a mistake, they’ll all see it, and they’ll realize how incompetent I am. I  _ can’t  _ fail.

            The field feels like it’s going to swallow me whole if I don’t perform perfectly. A bear trap designed specifically for me. 

            Everything is exhausting, my body aches all over, and I feel the weight of 2 hours of sleep in my bones, dragging me down. Still, I push my body through. I can’t give less than 200% or I’ll  _ die. _

            Before I know it, it’s over. It almost feels as if I’ve been blacked out the entire time.

            “Kanata! You did amazing today!” I feel a hand on my back, and I tense on instinct.

            “Thanks, you did really good too, uh…” My mind draws a blank, of all times to literally  _ forget your own team member’s name? _

            “Aw jeez, you really are hopeless sometimes, it’s Aito.” He smiles at me, shaking his head.

            I laugh it off with him, and he makes his way back to his locker. 

            As soon as he’s off the bench, I mentally berate myself.

_             He’s been on your team for how long? You forgot his name, really?  _

            I shake my head, a little more violently than necessary, and get changed. I grab out my bag and head out the door.

_             I really want to see Gaito. _

            As my feet carry me down the sidewalk, brief flashes of purple hair and red eyeliner fill my thoughts. I think about the way his hair bounces adorably as he walks, and I can’t hold back a smile. Things like the way his eyes light up during a match, when he’s cornered someone and he  _ knows  _ his victory is absolute, he’s on  _ fire.  _

            He’s full of fierce determination, always. Driven passionately by his belief in his own destiny, it’s something that’s so awe-inspiring and beautiful to watch. 

            Wrapped up in all these thoughts of Gaito, I hadn’t realize that the house was already in front of me. I sighed, swinging the door open and unceremoniously dropping my bag in front of the door. 

            “Welcome home, Kanata!” My mom’s voice calls from the distance.

            “Thank you!” I shout back, making a beeline for my room. I’m stopped, however, by a mass of purple hair bumping into my chest. 

            “Oh, Gaito!  Sorry, I didn’t see ya there.” I gripped his shoulders, holding him steady. He caught my eyes, probably seeing the worry I wasn’t trying that hard to hide, and immediately stepped back. Letting my hands drop from his shoulders, I used what little energy I had to shoot him a smile. He deserved it, anyways.

            But the exhaustion was so much. My body felt like twice it’s weight, my eyelids didn’t want to stay open, and my mind was a foggy brew of mixed anxious and paranoid thoughts.

            “Are you okay? You look like death, if I’m being honest.” His expression seemed worried, and oh  _ God I don’t want to worry him. _

_             Keep the smile up, you can make it through. _

            “Oh, I’m okay! Practice was just a little tougher than usual. Honestly, I just need to go to bed.” I moved to walk past him into the doorway, but felt a small hand grip my upper arm. I turned back to face him again, confused.

            “Kanata.”  _ Yikes, that’s his serious voice.  _ “You’re going to bed without dinner?” 

            I meekly nodded at him.  _ That shouldn’t be too big of an issue, should it? _

            Judging by his exasperated sigh, that was the wrong answer.

            “You didn’t have any breakfast because you were working last minute on homework, you gave a majority of your lunch to Tetsuya because he forgot his, and you want to skip dinner, too?” He gave me an expectant look as he finished what he said.

            But I didn’t have anything. He was right, I’m a complete mess that can’t even take care of himself. 

_             He’s probably so disappointed in me.  _

            I opened my mouth, but no words came out. I was at the end of my rope at this point.

            Everything came crashing down in my mind; the lack of sleep, the crushing expectations at school, the social expectations, fear of failing my soccer teammates, and my absolute lack of common sense or self preservation. 

            I think Gaito saw something crack in me, because his expression softened a bit. 

            “You know you don’t have to pretend around me, right? You can let it all out, Kanata. I’ll be here for you.” 

            That was the last straw that broke me, in one sentence he broke through my last defenses and sent all the walls tumbling down.

            Before I could comprehend what was going on, I was on my knees, sobbing into his chest. His body tensed for a moment, but he quickly wrapped one arm around my shoulder and brought the other up to hold the back of my head.The gesture was so sweet, so comforting, it felt so  _ good  _ to be securely wrapped up in his embrace. I pulled my arms around him too, holding myself closer as the sobs wracked my body.

            I’d built up all of this stress and tension for too long, it almost felt painful letting this much out all at once. It felt like a whole ocean trying to pour out of a hole the size of a needle.

_             But Gaito was there- no, he  _ **_is here._ **

_             For me. _

            I gripped tighter onto him, he was the rock holding me steady through the storm, and I couldn’t be more thankful for it at this moment. 

            “Th-thank you, so much Gaito.” I barely choked out the words between sobs. He responded by simply petting my head, and my heart melted even more.

            This is where I belong, in his presence, holding me tight when things are rocking me too roughly.

**Author's Note:**

> tbh this was also kind of a vent fic


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